It’s been a while since I posted. I am wavering about whether to feel guilty/bad about it. I feel as if I should feel bad that I committed to blogging and then fell down on the job, except if blogging is a requirement that will stress me out, then I don’t want to do it. So we’ll all have to settle for periods in which I blog and periods in which I don’t as well as periods in which I feel slightly guilty about it or not.
The biggest (and almost only) fights my spouse and I have ever had have been when we were in front of other people. Everyone modifies their behavior at least slightly depending on who they are with in what situation. The problem comes when my spouse or I don’t modify our behavior in the way the other one expects or wants.
Though I am not a fan of weddings and most of their attending traditions, because of the complicated double standards set forth for women and men in our society, I try to be extremely supportive when a friend or family member is getting ready for a marriage. Thus, I was incredibly stressed when I forgot the bridal shower word searches at home and my spouse revealed the secret activity and the fact that I had forgotten it to part of my family. We ended up having a disagreement in a small apartment already crowded with people which ended with me forcing him to go home and get the word search papers. Because he didn’t know how seriously I wished to take something I would normally make fun of, we had a fight — in front of other people.
A less important but I think telling example is the painting hanging above our living room couch. The painting was acquired for free and features two zebra butts. The piece hangs in our house ironically. A few weeks ago, I pointed it out to a friend who laughed with us and said it would be so funny if someone actually had the picture hanging in their house. But the truth is, this picture actually is hanging in our house and there’s no placard explaining its irony to passersby. We just expect people whom we invite into our home to know it hangs there ironically.
Now, I’m not particularly worried about our zebra picture being taken seriously or not. Who cares if people believe I have actual bad taste in art? But what if a visitor happened to notice my Pink Floyd poster tacked above the bathroom door, the one with naked female backs featuring painted album covers? Will that person know I bought it back when I was a confused 18 year old who believed the path to feminism was to ironically play out male stereotypes while dealing with my own bisexuality? Or will they think I think its ok to objectify women? Or is that Pink Floyd poster actually a true celebration of the female form?
I don’t want to care about what someone else might think about what I do, but I have an agenda which includes equality and I have to get other people to go along with that agenda if I want it to happen. That makes me think it’s important what I say and do when I’m by myself and in front of other people.
Thinking about these issues makes me want to be sure for myself where my lines are. Sometimes I imagine a person like a topographical map where many lines are drawn which curve in different ways on various issues. I personally need to know where my lines are drawn in relation to how many and which people I’m in front of. I would never ironically hang a swastika on my wall even if no one would over see it. If I knew hundreds of people would be traipsing though my bedroom, I would take my Pink Floyd poster down because I would never know what people thought it gave them license to do and think. I never joke about rape, and I limit the number of sarcastic, angry comments I make about it to people who know me well. In a public forum, I hope I would only make factual statements about the horrors of rape and/or show passion about ending it.
I want us all to move in a direction that makes even angry, sarcastic comments about rape unnecessary because rape will be so horrific to everyone that I will not feel the need to blow off steam about the nonchalance with which many treat it. I think the best way to get there is for us all to think about how our lines are drawn, privately and in front of other people. And for our lives in front of other people, we need to keep open dialogue about what’s ok and what’s not.
For a fantastic interpretation of a recent public statement, check out Jay Smooth discussing beauty pageants.